She who feels knows

At the age of 27 years old I’d had enough of life. On one hand I had three beautiful children, the car I had always wished for, and the man of my dreams. I was living in a flat that was furnished to my liking and had a decent Job. Yet on the other hand I was sick of life…!

I was tired of getting up every morning and going to work.

I was tired of arguing with my man, and I was tired of shouting at my children.

I was tired of my financial responsibilities.

I was tired of a low income.

I was tired of car issues.

I was tired of my baby father and his lack of taking responsibility.

I was tired of living in a cramped council flat.

I was tired of the housing benefit and their eternal ring of making mistakes then claiming I owed them thousands of pounds.

I was tired of the gas man, the BT man and the cable man, who never turned up for appointments, causing me countless days off work and issues with my boss.

I was tired of the police constantly pulling me over for no apparent reason.

I was tired of people calling me a black bitch.

I was devastated at my friend of thirteen years who stabbed me in the back because she was desperate to have a man.

I was tired of my fans who love to do nothing but to make up scandals and stories of everything I seemed to do.

I was so sick and tired, until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired; it drove me crazy. So crazy, I vowed to find out the real meaning of life and why God would create human beings and then allow things to happen to them the way they do.

I wanted to know why we have to wake up so early in the morning and struggle all day long, to live a hard life, forever looking, watching, wanting, hoping, dreaming and praying that one day we will find the perfect home, car, bank account and the partner that we have always hoped for – going through hell and back to get and maintain them – only to find yourself back in the same position. Only this time, it is with a new partner, a new car, older children with different needs and wants, and, a better job with more income which equally amounts to larger out goings.

Most of all, I wanted to know why this pattern reflected my race, particularly. I had not known one family member, associate, friend, or friend of a friend who was not experienced some kind of drama in their life. I did not know one Brother who did not have two or more “Baby mothers” plus two girls and at least four kids. I wanted to know why our Black men feel the need to lie, cheat, abuse and neglect their woman and children the way they do. I wanted to know why our sisters put up with it. I wanted to know why instead or supporting each other, Black girls spend hours on the phone spreading rumors, wanting to fight, or plotting to break up you and your man.

I was hurt, angry, confused and determined to get to the bottom of it. However, I did not know at that time that the search for knowledge and truth was my destiny to know, and that little bits had been falling into place ever since I was born, until this moment that you are reading this book.

I was never one to listen; I always had to find out for myself, and through the grace of the down falls of life I learnt those bitter lessons in the end. Through research of life through Black history, Ancient Egypt, British history, religions & occults, national cultures & traditions, astrology, physics, chemistry & biology, science, medicine politics, and Self, I managed to receive many answers to the questions I had about life.

With opened eyes, I can now recall many things that had been told to me by people throughout my life that now makes sense, and has great relevance to my life. Many of these people have done things without even knowing, along with those who knew and prayed that one day that I too would wake up. “RIP… Sonia Malcom”, I now see that every incident, coincident, occurrence or situation in my life was meant for a reason or planned as such. “Yes mum, even those rebellious teenage years”. Of course we can go off our right paths, but through the lessons we learn along the wrong paths, we will always find our way back.

Being a mother of three and Cancerian star sign, which is well known for its mothering nature, I love helping others. Since the age of 17, I have always taken time out to hand on any good advice I had to offer. My front door was always open for those needing to escape, or to find comfort. “She who has been hurt, knows just how you feel”

Friends and relatives always used to tell me that I should write a book and I would always reply “one day I will”.

By the age of 30 I finally discovered who I really am, I knew just what to write.

People today pay hundreds of pounds on therapist, councilors and doctors to solve issues which are merely negative energies which we store within. Councilors and therapist take you back to your past. When you came across something which caused you pain or hurt they encourage you to talk about how you feel about it. They then encourage you to ‘let it all out’; hence you are able to move forward with your life. Therefore you are the cause of why all the positive things happen in your life, just as much as you are responsible for the negatives. It just takes someone else to encourage you to “open your mind!!” and look at the bigger picture.

We constantly look for excuses and to others for reasons for our own down falls or to make us feel good about our selves. Looking outwards for the answers which lay within, not knowing that

Self issues go far beyond issues with babyfather’s or baby mother’s, issues with your childhood or the past, or any issues surrounding slavery, but to the beginning of the time and the creation of the world.

Stories of life’s interpretation have been twisted, turned and passed down to us in a form of Chinese whispers over millions of years; the earth has factually been in existence, hence the term prehistoric, meaning before history.

Through misinterpretation our eyes have been made to concentrate outwards; therefore, we never look inward and thus remain in a circle of negativity, equaling a life of hell, a race of Black devils, and a world full of lost people.

By coming back to your roots, you too can know hidden truths of life and hidden truths about you. Through knowledge and teachings of our ancestors, you too can see what being BLACK really is. Then you too will be able to walk forward in a Ray of Light.

Life is an experience with hidden lessons for you to learn the purpose for your being, where you came from and where you are going. You have the choice to do whatever you want. However, we are all here for a reason and as long as you fight or ignore that reason, it will fight you and force you see it one way or another.

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